When Traveling, Always Acknowledge the "Rule"

A few months ago, Katie, my wife, was flying to see me while I was in Philadelphia. When she got on the plane and was seated, she wanted to talk to the gentleman sitting next to her, but quickly learned the “Rule” of traveling on airplanes and encountering strangers in general: don’t make eye contact with or acknowledge in any way that they exist. Even if your elbows touch the entire plane ride. Harsh, I know, but true.

At some point during the flight, the gentleman spilled his coffee all over him and all over his seat. Because of the Rule, the accidental spilling of the coffee happened in a vacuum and nobody saw it, heard it, or was aware of it except for the gentleman who did the spilling. Katie’s first inclination was to help the man, but by then had learned the Rule. Nothing was said, no eye contact was made. The gentleman calmly stood up, went to the bathroom, wiped himself off as best he could, and returned to the seat with several paper towels from the bathroom. He put the stack on the seat and sat on them for the remainder of the flight as though nothing had happened. Not a word was spoken by Katie or the gentleman about the incident, and both parties left the plane with an unspoken understanding that the incident never happened.

On another occasion, I had boarded a tiny Canadair regional jet and had put my armrest down. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this plane, a designer somewhere in a cramped office sat down and said, “How can we make 60 people believe they are flying in an over-sized sardine can?” To this individual’s credit, he succeeded in creating the perfect over-sized flying sardine can. The person who was assigned the seat next to me was a little large for the seat. He sat down, lifted the arm rest without saying a word or acknowledging my presence (remember the Rule) and we spent the flight uncomfortably close to each other all the while pretending the other person didn’t exist.

This same thing happens in elevators all the time. It is so bad that I could have a 5-minute elevator ride with somebody and neither of us would speak to or acknowledge the presence of the other. It would be no different if a wall automatically slid between the other person and me.

On the rare occasions when the Rule is broken (especially on the airplane) I usually regret the breaking of the Rule. I’m sure people who have flown next to me feel the same way. The person who originally breaks the Rule usually prattles on for the entire flight about a subject the other person knows or cares little about. How rude am I to acknowledge that I don’t like people breaking the Rule? All I want to do on most flights is sit down, put on my headphones and tune out the world around me for a few hours. Right now I am listening to Nutcracker Highlights. Very relaxing and conducive to critical thought. I would be terribly annoyed if somebody broke the Rule while I am writing about the Rule.

Another story of the Rule was of a lady on a train in Japan. Apparently the trains there are so crowded that you literally stand centimeters apart. After the lady got onto a train, a man much shorter than her ended up standing next to her with his face right in her chest. They were aware of the Rule. Neither said a word and walked away with an unspoken mutual understanding that the uncomfortable event never happened.

I wonder if sardines practice the Rule before they die. Do they look at the fish next to them, knowing they are about to die, and pretend the other fish doesn’t exist? Do they know they will spend the rest of their lives, and the first few months after their death, spooning? If I was going to be forced to spoon with a complete stranger for the last few months of my life, I’d like to get to know them to avoid some awkwardness.

What was the origin of the Rule? Is it a part of our evolution into modern culture? I can’t imagine the Israelites, as they passed through the Red Sea, pretending that the person in the chariot next to them didn’t exist, or the Mormon pioneers pretending that the person in the handcart or covered wagon next to them wasn’t there. I also doubt that strangers ignored each other as they navigated the Oregon Trail.

I grew up in a small town and was unaware of the Rule. I knew that I shouldn’t talk to scary-looking strangers, but I didn’t hesitate to make conversation with the lady at the convenience store. After I learned the Rule, my paradigm was rewritten.

As I think about this, I believe that the primary origination of the Rule is the mere fact that we are more in touch with our things than with each other. We have lost the bonding that comes from a common purpose. We are all in a hurry, driving in our cars, walking to and from work, school, going in elevators to meetings, and flying to far-away places. The only people we usually acknowledge are those we encounter on a regular basis, and even that is difficult sometimes as conversations can die very quickly.

What can be done about the Rule? I believe we as a people would be better off if the Rule didn’t exist. We would be able to connect with strangers and have more compassion for those around us. We would likely be more forgiving of the “stinky meany” (as my sister used to say) who cut us off on our way to work. In short, the world around us would probably be a more pleasant, fulfilling place. Hopefully some of us can bend the Rule and make someone’s day a little brighter by offering a friendly “hello” or smile.

Thanks for reading. I’m off to spend a satisfying weekend with my family!