Frustrating Wives

I have been thinking the last few days about how frustrating it is to live with my wife.  I know, I know, that sounds terrible.  But hear me out and maybe you'll understand.  I will list out my specific grievances below.

Grievance No. 1:  My wife doesn't give herself enough credit for the good things she does and the mother that she is.  About a week ago Katie was saying our couples prayer, and said something about how she felt inadequate or wasn't a good mother or something like that.  When she made that statement, I almost laughed out loud during the prayer!  I just couldn't believe someone who does as good of a job as she does would feel so inadequate.

Grievance No. 2:  My wife is too picky about the state of the house (specifically the areas in which she is in charge).  Don't get me wrong, I want the house as clean as the next guy.  I like things to be tidy and to be cleaned up, to a certain point.  Katie, on the other hand, can get down on herself if it isn't perfect.  Doesn't she know that we love her for who she is and not for the state of the house?  I was so grateful the other night when she decided that the dishes could wait until morning and instead could spend quality time with me watching 'So You Think You Can Dance.'  I can just hear the comments coming, "If you would only help out more, she wouldn't be so worried about the state of the house!!!!"  That is true and I try to help out, but I can definitely do better.

Grievance No. 3:  My wife is very hard on herself about how she parents the children.  She is concerned that she can have a HUGE influence on their lives and even goes so far as to parent them as if that's the case.  I concede that she does have a HUGE influence on their lives;  I will even concede that she is perfectly suited to be the mother of our children, and that she does an excellent job.  What I won't concede is that she is under-qualified or does a poor job.


As you can see, my opening statement was more tongue in cheek than real.  It seems like there are endless posts/thoughts/speeches/talks about why women are too hard on themselves and what they can do to battle the self doubt and depression that comes from such negative self-talk.  Here's my two cents.

There are countless examples of mothers doing things they never dreamed that they would do (both good and bad).  I was talking to a friend of mine who was barely pregnant and had an 2-yr.old she was dealing with at the same time.  For whatever reason the 2-yr.old did something that was not approved.  The mother swatted the 2-yr. old on the behind and proceeded to feel guilt/remorse/shame for two straight days.  When she told me, I chuckled because I've done similar things countless times, AND I didn't have the excuse of excessive pregnancy hormones!


On the flip side of that example, how many moms do you know who stay up all night with their sick child?  How many moms go to bed deathly ill with the flue or cold and end up getting up in the night with their child who has just vomited all over their bedroom?  My mom did that, Katie does that, and I am sure you are or you know somebody who does or did that.  I, on the other hand, am NOT very good at doing that.


In both of these examples, did the person ever believe they could do such a thing?  I don't know, but it is likely that nobody would have much of a desire to do either.  Circumstances can bring out the best and worst in us, and a person cannot be judged by one of their worst moments; conversely, they can't be judged by their best moments, either.

The way I see it, everybody's personalities and experiences make them a package of sorts.  Packages have wrinkly parts; they also have smooth, almost perfect, parts.  When somebody looks at that package, they see something beautiful and want to know more about it and see what's inside.  The same thing can be said about us--we have our wrinkly parts that are sometimes difficult to accept.  We also have the straight, perfelcty creased parts that we like to show off.  But when we are alone, with nothing but our thoughts, which part of the package do we focus on?  Do we focus on the wrinkles, or on the crisp, smooth parts?  I hope it's on the crisp, smooth parts.  Even though I've written mostly about being a mother, I think this applies to many aspects of life, whether it's work, being a spouse, churchgoer, community organizer, etc., we all seem to be much harder on ourselves that outsiders are on us (unless we are in politics, but that is another story).

For those folks who suffer from depression or focus on their "wrinkles," try to look at yourself through a loved one's eyes.  They do see some of your "wrinkles," but they mostly see all of your crisp, smooth edges and for the complete package that you are and that you are becoming.  You are most definitely loved and appreciated.  Most specifically, for my wife, you need to know that what you do will always be good enough for me, that you are the complete package I always looked for and hoped I would somehow find, and that you have always exceeded my expectations.