Tribute to my Mother-in-Law

I just found out a couple of things. First, it sounds like Katie's mom is getting closer and closer to leaving us. Among other conditions, she is having an increasingly difficult time of being aware of her surroundings. Second, I have been asked to present the eulogy at her funeral. In light of these two items, I would like to post a brief tribute to my wonderful mother-in-law, Judith Anne Spendlove Fitzgerald ("Judy" for short). This tribute will be from my perspective and my interactions with her rather than a long life history.

I don't know much about Judy's childhood. I know she had some of the best parents anybody could ask for. Their names were George and Flora Spendlove. Her dad was a doctor and I am not exactly sure what her mom did, other than raise three fine daughters and a son. Raising four children is no small task and I am not trying to minimize her contribution to the world. After all, if it wasn't for the parents of our parents, and so on and so on, we wouldn't be here. More importantly, we most likely wouldn't be the type of person we are becoming.

Once Judy had grown up, she married C. Michael Fitzgerald ("Mike" for short) about 49 years ago. The marriage was destined to be great.

The first time I met Judy, Katie and I had just become engaged and I drove to West Jordan to meet her and Mike at their home. When I arrived, Katie was not there and I was forced to introduce myself to Mike and Judy. Needless to say, I turned on my old sarcastic charm.

We started our conversation and were exchanging life histories, stories of how Katie and I met, the Alaska vacation Katie's family took without me (it was because I didn't know them yet, but I think they should have waited), etc. About 10 or 15 minutes into the conversation, I figured they knew a little bit about who I was. Big mistake. I wanted to told them that I had been sent home a year early from my mission. Mike laughed and knew that I was kidding. I thought Judy also knew. I was wrong. About 5 minutes later she brought the subject back around to my being sent home early. Mike and I quickly explained that it was a joke and that I fulfilled my mission honorably. This taught me a lessen that you can never know who you are fooling, even when you don't intend to. Ever since this experience she always explained my sarcasm to anybody who she thought wouldn't get it (she thought nobody would get it). All kidding aside, I believe this experience built a lasting bond between Judy, Mike and I that still resonates today.

Another thing that struck me about Judy the first time I met her was her undeviating devotion to her husband, her kids, and her grandkids. She and Mike were kind enough to invite the entire family over the same night I met them so I could meet them and become acquainted with the children and my future in-laws. From my "fresh-off-a-mission-the-world-is-all-about-adults" perspective, the house was a complete zoo. Kids were running around, shouting, shooting each other with imaginary guns, and carrying on like a bunch of 2-10 year olds (which they were). Babies were crying and nursing. The house was like nothing I ever remembered experiencing. Having said all that, Judy enjoyed being with the family the entire time I was there. She doted on her grandkids, fed us a wonderful dinner, and drew out conversation from everybody. Since that time I have never known her to show anything but kindness and love to her entire family.

One question I always think of when I contemplate my own passing is what kind of legacy I will leave. Judy should feel confident that she is leaving the best kind of legacy: love, unity, and sacrifice.

Love- Judy has always expressed her love in words. Towards the end of her life she has gone out of her way several times to tell the in-laws, me included, how much she loves us.

In the past, when she wasn't as limited in physical ability, I saw very specific actions of love directed at me. When Katie and I were engaged, I ended up living in the home of Mike and Judy with Katie (Katie upstairs and me downstairs). Every day I had a fresh breakfast waiting for me when I got out of the shower. Every day I had an excellent lunch prepared and ready to eat when I sat down at work. Every day I was asked how my day went and to share any neat experiences I might have had that day. Most importantly, every day, she kept Katie and I honest in our relationship. She kept us out of trouble (she was the "police") and helped us learn more about in each other in three months than most couples learn about each other in a year.

Unity-Four specific things come to mind when I think of this word. First, being a united family was so important to Judy and Mike that they mortgaged their house to go on the infamous 6-week Alaska trip. As I said above, I wasn't around for this trip, but I do know from the videos and the picture collage that this trip was designed to unite the family.

The second thing that comes to mind was the importance that Judy placed on regular family gatherings. Every Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter, the family gathered for dinner, which was usually accompanied by some sort of a program.

The third and fourth things have to do with "grand" get-togethers in which I participated. The first was at Fish Lake for Mike and Judy's 40th anniversary. She and Mike paid for the entire family to stay in cabins for three days and to celebrate the family and the marriage that brought the family into being. We laughed. We cried. We laughed some more. We got annoyed with each other. We played a lot of Pinnochle. We created memories that will last a long time. The best part is that this gathering was accompanied by modern technology and highlights of the entire weekend were captured on a DVD.

The second was the family's final get-together before Grandma Judy's death. This occurred about four or five weeks ago and was set up with the specific goal of having one final opportunity to bring the entire family together and to celebrate Judy's life. Once again, we laughed, cried, annoyed each other, and played Pinnochle. This time, Grandma wasn't quite as coherent as other times we have gathered as a family. She was a little slower in her pace and a little slower in her mental acuity. But she still had that same smile and sense of satisfaction that came with seeing her family together. It just emanated from her. I think that in her mind it wasn't as much about celebrating her life as it was about seeing her family gathered together one last time before she passed. I hope and believe that both of these gatherings lived up to her expectations. I know they exceeded mine.

Sacrifice-I can't speak too much to this because I didn't know Judy when her children were younger. But I think it is important enough that it should be the capstone on her well-lived life. Judy didn't necessarily see her life as a sacrifice for others. For her, life was about serving others and ensuring their needs were met before her own. We had Judy and Mike over for Thanksgiving a few weeks ago. Katie and I wanted to pamper them and let them just sit back and enjoy the day. Unfortunately, we didn't do the dishes after we had finished eating. Even though it was painful for her, and we insisted several times that she not help, Judy did the dishes because it was something she enjoyed and because she wanted to serve us.

I believe that sacrificing for and serving others was one of the primary drivers in her life. In fact, I think part of the reason her body wore down as soon as it did was because of the tireless service and energy she put into every day of her life.

Katie has constantly complained that she is not the same kind of her mother as Judy was (I disagree, of course). Katie and I used to discuss how much her mom worked to provide for the childrens' needs. We also discussed her mom constantly going out of her way to make others feel comfortable and to find and help those in need, almost always at the expense of her personal comfort and convenience.

As much as it sounds like Judy was a saint, that may not have always been the case. She occasionally had a twinkle in her eye because of something mischievous she had done or wanted to do. I was not always the perfect son-in-law, either. There were were times when I became frustrated, like the fact that she insisted on doing the dishes at our home when we wanted her to sit and relax. But I have NO complaints about her as a mother-in-law and especially as my wife's mom and the kind of daughter she raised. Judy has always been, and will forever be, a wonderful, terrific, splendid mother-in-law and I love her and will miss her deeply. It is too soon to lose such a great person. The world is a better place because of her and will lose a great asset when she is gone.